BATTING MAESTROS @ XLRI

The hallowed portals of XLRI in recent times have been witness to epical batting skills of batting maestros who are truly artist of a genre above class. It has been not just raining, but pouring sixes and fours around the clock on the grounds of XLRI. The unassuming bowlers are hit in all directions, from all directions. Such pronounced is the batting prowess of this league of extraordinary batting maestros, who have taken to batting with a vow to themselves that they will not let go any bowler, I repeat, any bowler pass by ‘untempered’.

In order to acknowledge the batting genius of this batsman, we today will confer them with a place in the highly prestigious “Hole of Shame’. In order to separate real quality (bats)man from the boys, suggestions were invited from the spectators and the affected bowlers. A total of 44 respondents named 21 batsman and 2 batswoman whom they fear the most. The 7 most terrific batting maestros who received the highest votes have made it to the most sought after ‘Hole of Shame’. The above research methodology has been validated by our very own in-house expert Chaitanya Swami.

Bowlers, beware of this batting greats ! They are out there to screw you… literally.

But before we start with the real batting maestros, let us have a look at those aspiring batsman who just missed the “Hole of Shame’ by a whisker.

Mr. Fakir Tashan – Undergoing a patch of bad form currently. Often seen escorting coaching junior bowlers at wee hours… But remember, Form is temporary, Class is permanent. Rest assure, he will bounce back.

Mr. Arbit Aachaar – Rather than doing net practice on the grounds, he is found improving his dance moves with the new lot of bowlers. Unfortunately he get out too often at ‘silly point’

Mr. Harbar Sadabahar Chhatawaala – The reason for the drop in ranking of this Punjab-da-puttar is that our dear Harbar has opted to play with his umbrella rather than bat.. Rumours are he has lost his ‘bat’. Can anyone please give him a new bat ?

Mr. 100 (Soo) weak verbal applications ( waah..waah..m so good in PJ) - for rather than playing against quality bowlers, our dear batsman is seen playing with substandard local bowlers. He is so desperate for batting that whether he is in the team or not, he keeps on batting with any available bowlers…arree..bhai koi isko bhi team mein le lo naa….

Mr. Sab aao - This Ranchi rancho has the potential to make it to the top of the batting list, provided he can keep his mouth shut and ass cut.

Mr. Lingraj - With his current unperturbed focus on improving the cricketing ‘infrastructure’, he seems to have retired from his batting. We’ll miss you

Mr. Tiktik Gandu maru - This Charminar challenger is nowadays busy focusing more on fielding rather than batting. Tries to go over the ‘Deep mid wicket’ and gets caught.

Mr. Maximus Topiwala – A poor shot selection which hit him at midpoint has caused a drastic drop in his form. Rumours are he is now going after fellow batsman rather than bowlers… ‘Bowlers hence breathe a sigh of relief’

Mr. mAdi kyakarliya - This master blaster had set the grounds on fire during the recent concluded bhasad series, and had left many a batting great peeing in their pants. Being the humble self that he is, he claims that he is good only for ‘bang bang’ batting in 20-20….But we all know the true calibre of this master strokemaker.

The batting legends who have made it to the “Hole of Shame” are …..

No. 7 - If you believe that Sourav Ganguly, the Bengal Tiger is the only batting legend that Kolkata has produced, meet the Bengal hippopotamus. This joyous bespectacled batting maestro has recently made a career shift from TT and badminton to batting. We presume he prefers hitting balls rather than hitting cocks. (I mean shuttle cocks, you pervert). He has been able to step right in to the boots of our very own real dada, lovingly called the ‘water cooler guy’. Our dear Bengal hippopotamus believes in practicing hard without any interference and hence is seen practicing in solace with different bowlers at GMP lawns regularly in the evening. Now please, don’t disturb him. Concentrate to karne do zaara…His endorsements include Hippo Chaddis…

No. 6 - Meet this Sher-e-Punjab …Mr. Laddu..Apart from batting, at times he also focuses on ‘Woman Resources and Personal Relations’. We ourselves are dumbfounded how he manages his both interests so well. Though he manages an almost perfect 10 on his batting prowess, he has also been able to consistently score more than 7 on 8 in almost all aspects of Women Resources and Personal Relations. But all said and done, our Mr. Laddu is a very soft butted person. He is always more than ready to offer his butt and share all his gyaan with the new bowlers who have recently step foot on the grounds of XLRI. However, our Mr. Laddu is technically weak and is sooner or later going to get hit wicket.


No. 5 - Meet Mr. Chandu Choti…Don’t get mislead by his looks which give a false impression of he being the traveler on the road less traveled. Mr. Chandu Choti is one of the rarest specimen who plays multiple matches at the same time and that too effectively. Mr. CC is a firm believer that batting is all about colors…And it doesn’t matter that the color happens to be pink. After devastating many a senior bowlers, Mr. CC is nowadays seen successfully tempering more than a few upcoming bowlers. He always remains on the prowl for any opportunities to hit the upcoming bowlers ‘out to the park’ without any respite. Mr. CC can effectively handle the ‘load’ of managing at times two, at times three and at times even more than that matches. I wonder how he manages this. Too much of batting so early in the career may lead to premature *&#@%.....( kya word hai who)….haan…premature retirement (aap kya soch rahe the !!) His endorsements include ‘Fair & Random’

No. 4 - Meet Mr. Sabka liya. And what a star batsman is he…koi aisa –waisa star nahi…..the best of all…the ‘Pole star’ which keeps shining like a precious stone. He has the eyes of a true batsman and though his leg glances are not that delightful to watch, his eye glances are better than the best. Our Mr. Sabka Liya picks up the gems among the bowlers…may it be diamond, pearl, ruby or ‘Sapphire’….and hits them with utter disdain. He bats exceptionally well in the darkness also, without the need of any floodlights. Infact the darker, the better.. Rumors are that he has taken his favorite four bowlers in his team in spite of high controversies. His endorsements include ‘Pole – All meat, no Hole’

No. 3 - Meet Mr. Hero Desperado, the true Nayak of batting. Our Mr. Hero has recently displayed a supreme surge in form and has been hitting sixes all over the place. He attributes this newly found form to a ‘secret’. Reliable sources quote that ‘If Boost is the secret of Sachin’s energy, Horlicks is the secret of our Mr. Hero Desperado’s energy.’ He displays abnormal animal tendencies in his ‘strokeplay’, which spectators attribute to his special interest in all the animals one can find in the zoo. I am sure that he is a perfect bet for a ‘long race ka horse’. He favorite shot is driving through the ‘gully’. Though, many Experts opine that he gets caught too often at the ‘silly’ point.

No. 2 - Meet Mr. Kaala Anna. “Naam hai iska kaala anna, patla hai jaise ho ganna.” He is after all the real ‘Dark Knight’. This tall, dark and non handsome Chennai super king is a ‘saccharined’ personality and has tried his hands at a multitude of games before finally taking to batting. His bibaca smile, thanks to his super white teeth which perfectly contrast with the ‘not so white’ background bedazzles many a bowlers. But his shot selection has been less than satisfactory and he always picks up the wrong bowlers. No wonder our dear ‘anna’ gets caught by the bowlers too often. Hope he soon finds the bowlers with whom he can have a strategic fit. He is the brand ambassador of ‘Bandar Chaap Kaala Dant Manjan’
Watch out for his photo at the end of the post…
….ch*tya banayaa…bada maazaa aaya…. ‘abe oye..iski fotu kahaan se aayegi, iski to negative hi niklegi naa’

No. 1 - And the top honors for batting excellence goes to none else than the grand ol’pa of batting. Mr. Bada Rod liya. Our dear grand ol’pa was born not with a silver spoon in his mouth, but with a wooden bat in his ass. His contributions to the world of batting are unparalleled. For his distinctive contributions to the domain of batting, he is unanimously conferred with the ‘Lifetime Achievement Award for Batting Xlence”. He is to batting what Devanand sahab is to films. Notwithstanding the amount of criticism, they always have their own way. His footwork is amazing, his handwork is even more brilliant. He plans his every move maliciously..oops …i mean meticulously. In this era of macho hitters, he has kept the bastion of classic cricket alive by his deft touches which will be unchallenged till times immemorial. His timing is so impeccable that even the best of the best bowlers fail to realize the true impact of these godly touches. His ‘placement’ has forever been right on spot. He has the guts and nuts to hold the mantle all alone by his charismatic batting. So unbelievable is his array of strokes, that he doesn’t let a ball pass by untouched…no matter how wide is it. Though many of you poor souls are crying foul and are of the view that he should now retire and concentrate on the veterans’ cricket, I disagree. What else could be a more fitting tribute by me to this grand ol’pa of batting than ‘God doesn’t retire, then why should Grand ol’pa? The fan club of the Grand ol’pa (PAPAXI) on this occasion has decided to showcase their respect by means of a small song ( see Exhibit 1)


On being asked about giving any batting tips to the budding batsman, he smirks and replies with his typical tilt of head ‘ Batting karma kaam nahi hai baccho kaa…Tel nikal jaata hai acche accho ka.”

So dear all wannabe batsman….I know it’s a bit disappointing….But don’t lose hope, as we have with us the real batting maestro, Mr. Smokin’ Jones, the undisputed chief of the Chimney’s association to XLRI to share his insights on technically correct batting.

Smoking Jones speak …
“Batting is not a science. Nor is it an art. In its purest and most sincerest form, it’s a feeling that the heart lifts above and the heaven rejects not. True Batting is not just about hitting the ball. Batting emancipates from the soul, encapsulates the mind and exhibits through the being. Batting is not about hitting every bowler, rather it is about facing that one special bowler with whom you lock your spirits forever. Its not about the no. of balls you hit, its about the impact of just that one hit. Batting is not about scoring runs to win always, rather it is about holding on when there is nothing in you except the will that says ‘Hold on’ (Kipling). Batting is not about creating strokes with your bat, rather it is about letting loose the stirrings of your heart. For only those who shall play with their hearts shall enter the heavenly ‘Hall of Fame’. Amen !!!”


Exhibit 1 :
oyee...woh papalaxi song..bhul gaye kya ...
Song for the Grand ol’pa


[four four six four, four four six four, four four six four, Let's bat] 2

Hai bachelor (hai bachelor), Has lost some hair (lost some hair)…
Hai bachelor, Has lost some hair…
Spectacular! He’s a great batter (He’s a great batter, He’s a great batter)…

daddy ka bat tez hai, daddy ko balls ka craze hai…
daddy ka chashma thick black, daddy dikhta thoda aged hai (aged hai)…
XL ki Billiyan saath mein, Gale mein bahon ki maala…

[Par daddy can bat saala] 2
Han daddy bat kar sakta!

Paida daddy hua to kismaatein chamki…
Aur doosre batters ki strike rates thamki…

(hey array array) daddy karta hay hook pull cut…
(hey array array) dusre batters ko bolta hay dur hat…
(hey array array) daddy ke nazron me long leg hai…
(hey array array) daddy ke haath me whiskey ke peg hai…

[But daddy can bat saala] 2

Haan daddy bat kar sakta!
Papa kehte the bada kaam karega…
Nahi pataa tha daddy bus batting karega…

(hey array array) daddy kar raha hai MBA…
(hey array array) Manata hai summers jaise ho holiday…
(hey array array) daddy nazrein ladata hai…
(hey array array) Jahaan bhi jata hai, batting karna chahta hai…

[Cos daddy can bat saala] 2

Haan daddy bat kar sakta…
Yeah…daddy can bat saala…!!!

Courtesy : Papaxi (Bodhi tree has expressed its interest in using this song as the title song for their upcoming album)


PS1 : The above post has been written for the pure purpose of light hearted banter. Unfortunately, or fortunately this post will remain online for a very short period. Adequate measures have been taken to ensure that only the senior denizens of XLRI are able to appreciate this post. Kindly appreciate please. The selection of the batsman mentioned above is not at all personal, but reflects the collective views of the batch. Sorry for this ultra long post. Considering the batting talents, couldn’t avoid it.

PS2 : As always, there will be no comment moderation. Your views, counterviews, abuses(voluntary), appreciation(mandatory) are more than welcome.

PS3 : Despite severe public protests, self has decided to withhold publishing about GALAXI queen(s) till I get myself a big life insurance policy. Though, a post on the two foremost bowlers ‘Shaky Baby and Lolita Aunty’ and a post on ‘Chimnaxi’ are under consideration.

PS4 : Captain Sharma shall be officially launching ‘SAXI’ soon….Everyone’s welcome.