Segmentation

I always knew the most difficult and the most important step in marketing once you are clear of your business objective is to determine criteria for segmenting the target customer base.  From a classical economics point of view, the utility functions should decide the dimensions; but most marketers have been too dumb or their study of marketing had started with Kotler and ended at Kotler.  Psyhographic or behavorial segmentation based on parameters derived from difference in utility functions tends to be the ideal way of segmenting customers.  Most marketers however on account of lack of data and conceptual clarity revert to mundane and more tangible parameters like demographic segmentation.  Even that is perfectly fine, if their intent to use demographic or other variables is to create a surrogate of behavioral or psychographic segmentation model and try to get as close as possible to the ideal situation.

Another major fallacy that Kotler hasn't clearly addressed in his writings is whether your require a single segmentation model or multiple.  Well, you require a segmentation to be done initially for determining which segment you are going to target, may be another segmentation for defining which subsegment of your overall segment of customers would you target a particular promotion campain ( and the promotion campaing may be targetted at achieving sales or just simple improving brand health).  Infact the truth is that for each and every activity that the marketer intends to do ( whether come up with a new SKU, a new discount scheme, a new advert., a new promotion campaign), he again requires to go through the rituals of segmentation all over again.  Creating micro segments is something on which Kotler and party sold out.  But the busy guys that the marketers are trust their guts most of the times rather than getting into the technicalities of trying out further segmentation.  Also lack of a quality MR agency and their exorbitant rates makes it difficult to repeat such exercises time and again.

And today, I am in a peculiar scenario where I lose one fifth of my customers every month, gain back one third of the customers whom I lost this month over the next 3 months, and gain 20 % new customers every month.   I end up in a scenario wherein how a long a customer has been with me doesn't bear any probability of how long is he going to be.  I have absolutely no demographic data for any of my customers.  And it doesn't help my customer base is in millions.

So what ????  Put on your thinking cap.  Get back to basics.    Lets segment and segment further and segment further...buss...itna hi...jyada segment karne ki bhi zarurat nahi hai

Feel like getting married

You feel you should get married when


- A friend from school puts up snaps of his kids 4th birthday on Orkut

- Even all your Bong friends younger than you are getting married

- When you start receiving wedding invitations from your batchmates younger siblings.

- When no one taunts you about your closet smelling like an unattended public toilet at the railway station

- When you see kids whom you have hold in your hands when they were born having girlfriends / boyfriends

- Your bank account balance is about to touch a 7 figure mark.

- When you struggle every time to buy gifts for your female friends getting married

- When your staple diet consists of Pizza’s from Domino’s

- When you are awake at 3 in the night reading business reports.

- When your colleagues leave work early on most days citing family reasons.

- You require a dependant to be able to claim your entire LTA amount.

- When you fall really sick, the only people who know it are your online friends on Gtalk thru your status message.

- When it’s a long time since your last break up
- When you have two closets in your apartment and one is absolutely empty

You feel like not getting married

- When one more of your friend gets a divorce after marrying his long time love

- When you find a friend of yours now married couldn’t get time from family functions

- When you can’t just put up with your family and are scared at the thought of having to put up with someone else’s family.

- You love to make more money in a month than you can spend in a year

- When you still enjoy getting off from any side of the bed

- When you enjoy Domino’s Pizza more than roti-sabzi

- When you have just one closet

- When you just had your break up
- When you can cook Maggi and eat it too

- Your salary doesn’t have an LTA component

To suniyaa and jaggi and bavda

suniyaa....yaa....thats the way I call him.   One of my best friends Sunil leaves India tonight for Australia.  and he is standing for in the line for the check in now.  And how lucky is this bastard.  He will be staying with two of my another best friends, both named Jatin in Australia.  And I m gonna be really really really really really jealous of you three. I hate you for this, if you are reading this; but I know you won't be.  For you three morons will never get time to stop watching some porn over the internet and read all the bull shit which I write on this blog.

am effusively sentimental of all those long nights we spend at Kankaria lake, all those bhagadod we did for getting sponserships, all those love affairs you guys had, and all those nights just before the exam where we studied so hard :), those last minute "course tick marking " sessions

And I will kill all three of you, incase you cheer for Australia in cricket.

I have really not been able to meet most of closest friends from engineering and school days.  And I hope I would be able to meet my best pals from XLRI for a long long long time to come.

Neways, I think I will devote next few posts to some of my priceless friends.    All the best to those dear friends of mine who are going to feature on this blog soon.  Those who wish to not get in the line of fire, may drop me a line

the US of A

I think it was in Chetan Bhagat's " one night at a call centre' , i had come across this piece of satire. 

(Mis)Quote: " I think there are like 5 intelligent people in US of A.  The rest of the guys call us up every night"

Today I had a conversation with one such moron, that I now truly appreicate CB.

One super gyaani friend of mine, who has been all around the world puts it
"The Russians are the most intelligent, The Chinese are the smartest, The Indians are the c**ya ( lets say its a metaphor of being the shrewdest), The Australians the wildest, The Americans the dumbest."

But the fact being America continues to be one of the ( if not the) most powerful nations on earth, boasts of being the home to most innovations and new life changing technologies, makes me take a bow to the land of liberty.

I

It has been sometime since I had last penned my own self description. So thought to just revise it. Though I am still to alter drastically, I think I have changed over the last 3 years. So here it goes.




1. If I think, I am.

2. If you can’t understand the above sentence, pl. do not waste your time..just piss off.

3. I am not sick, I am just single.

4. I value few values, which don’t have any value in valuations.

5. I love girls, who have brain bigger than their boobs.

6. I don’t like grey. I just talk and write- black & white.

7. I spend recklessly. I earn too much.

8. I am an intellectual. I have been able to find few things more interesting than sex.

9. I am a scholar. I can’t tolerate fools. Sometimes, not even myself.

10. I hope my epitaph may read: “No regrets”. But I prefer living rather with a few regrets.

11. I am yet to find a cause to ‘Live for’.

12. I can’t get no satisfaction.

13. I scribble sometimes. Some people call it poetry.

14. My job doesn’t suck. My boss is not a jerk.

15. I don’t drive. I prefer a chauffer instead.

16. I always try my very best to help my friends.

17. I can be mad, crazy, passionate & wise at the same time.

18. I still love Sachin Tendulkar. I am not gay.

19. I enjoy watching Tom & Jerry, Popeye.

20. I strongly believe that world is too small and life is too long.  Some stories therefore never end

21. I love my friends for their eccentricities. They like me for my abnormalities.

22. I am not my best friend. Not even close. They are Kumar, Jatin, Rajan, Sunil, Raju.

23. I haven’t met any of them over the last 3 years.

24. I am a virgin.

25. Sometimes, I lie. But, I am economical with it.

26. I worship Dhirubhai Ambani. The company I admire the most is AMUL (GCMMFL)

27. I never had a role model. But Vikram Sarabhai comes close.

28. I crib. I crib a lot.

29. There isn’t a selfish bone in my body.

30. I think in English. I abuse in Hindi.

31. Before MBA, I believed most HR guys are useless. Now I think all of them are.

32. I hope no one from my company HR reads this. I hope all my HR friends from MBA read this.

33. I love art. I praise creativity.

34. I can’t appreciate Shakespeare and I can’t understand Salman Rushdie.

35. I love literary classics. I’ve started reading Indian Philosophy lately.

36. I like to believe I am good in marketing. I know I am better in Strategy.

37. I am fantastic in Indian Contracts.

38. I am pathetic in technical stuff.

39. Did I mention I am a Mechanical Engineer?

40. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid.

41. I haven’t lost a single rupee in the stock market.

42. Pizza and maggi was my staple diet. Not any more.

43. I’ve lost 15 kg. in the last 2 months.

44. My parents think I am still a kid. I dare not disagree.

45. I abhor pigs, cockroaches and software engineers.

46. I am a Gandhian. But I know karate.

47. Money matters, more money matters more. Yet I don’t run after money.

48. I ended up in the highest paying job in engineering and it was my dream job.

49. I don’t want to leave India.

50. I am OK in swimming and rifle shooting.

5I. I am a good actor.

52. I am an excellent public speaker.

53. I am not humble. Its tough to be after being so talented.

54. I cry.

55. Sometimes, I stammer. I have won more elocution competitions than my age.

56. I am an environmentalist.

57. I hate people who keep dogs more than I hate dogs.

58. I won’t fall in love again. But may be, I will rise in it.

59. I intend to adopt a girl child someday.

60. I hate shopping.

61. I smoke occasionally. But the occasions come a bit too often.

62. I don’t know how to cook. The only recipe I remember is that of ice cubes.

63. I don’t know when to eat. Or may be when not to eat.

64. I hate, hate, hate mediocrity.

65. I usually don’t pick up others fight. But when I sincerely do, I fight.

66. I am a grossly underrated schemer.

67. My first boss was the shrewdest creature I have ever met. I prefer not meeting any more.

68. I respect most women. I hardly trust any.

69. I was among the least intelligent creatures in my batch during MBA.

70. But I was lucky to land up in the highest paying job in MBA.

71. I like people who outsmart me. I hate people who do that often.

72. Sometimes, I don’t believe in God. Forget God, I sometimes can’t even find a plumber.

73. I believe in Luck. How else can I explain the success of some, whom I dislike?

74. I have a soft corner for all my juniors from school, engg. & MBA

75. I can’t stand half of my relatives. I don’t know the other half.

76. If not for the lack of alternatives, I would’ve hated democracy.

77. I can take any shit from anybody; but I always return it with high compounded interest.

78. I am too blunt at times and I hate it.

79. I would love to love somebody more than I love myself.

80. I can be dangerously sarcastic. I don’t mind being personal.

81. is my favorite number

82. I am passionate about working towards education for unprivileged children.

83. I am the bravest person I know.

84. Life has not been kind to me. But I held only myself responsible for what I am (not) today.

85. I mind my business, but I do interfere.

86. I love India and I am a fanatic.

87. I don’t have views. I have convictions.

88. I don’t lose bets.

89. I still remember all my school friends’ birthday. At times, I can’t recollect my first name.

90. I rarely keep any grudges. When I do, I plan my revenges absolutely meticulously.

91. I am yet to write my favorite poem. Till then its “Madhushala” by Bacchanji.

92. I take drinks rarely.

93. I crave for importance.

94. I hate people who shirk work. Even if it is me.

95. I don’t flirt with air hostesses. I don’t flirt with ‘non-air hostesses’ also.

96. I can’t stand banal talk and fake laughs.

97. I ain’t fun loving; nor could I appreciate people whose sole objective in life is to have fun.

98. I long for being at home. But I don’t go often even if I have time.

99. I am too kind at most times.

100.First impressions matter.

101. I don’t have two faces. “If I had, would I be wearing this one” – Lincoln.

101. I rarely get angry and can camouflage my anger.

102. I am more comfortable in formals than casuals. I hate flashy clothes.

102. I am yet to make any enemies. But I have lost many friends.

103. I am good in networking.

104. I love Bollywood flicks.

105. Juhi Chawla was my first crush. I don’t know the name of the last one.

106. I have never been consistent with my work. But I can slog like hell.

107. I am a perfectionist.

107. I don’t give up on myself easily. I am supremely confident of myself.

108. I hate people who show off their knowledge. Though sometimes, I also do so.

109. I don’t attend calls before 9 in the morning, come what may.

110. Micro - Economics is my latest crush since last 2 years. I am not very good with it though.

111. I curse myself for not being in touch with my pals from school, engineering, earlier jobs.

112. I crave for being at peace with myself. I haven’t been successful so far.

113. I like forwarded mails.

114. I used to carry 3 SIM cards, but rarely used cell phone for the last 2 years.

115. I used to be a voracious reader. Now I spend time just thinking.

116. I can find grammatical mistakes in TOI editorials. Hey TOI guys. Can’t u improve?

117. I have damn sharp memory.

118. I go to sleep, earliest by 2 am. I am a nocturnal creature.

119. I do some things, sometimes “just for the heck of it”.

120. I don’t bullshit, as much as I should.

121. I love taking other people’s cases. I enjoy it when someone tries to take mine.

122. Few friends still give me the luxury of being classified into “Homo Sapiens Sapiens”

123. I criticize harshly, I am lavish in praise only for people who I don’t care about.

124. I love watching the rainbow. I don’t like clear skies. I love imagining shapes in the clouds

125. I have never taken a ride on a merry-go-round.

126. I am not only my biggest critic, I get the honors for many others too.

127. I have drastically reduced my chatting with people online.

128. I have never been in my hometown on election day. I have never voted yet.

129. I know four languages: English, Gujarati, Hindi & the language of eyes.

130. I borrowed the “eyes funda” in the above line from somebody. I dislike plagiarism.

131. If I am, I think.

The Lost Dreamers

I did spent 2 months recently at a relatively remote location, which was a once in a lifetime adventure. I did have some of the most unimaginable utmost interesting experience; but somehow I would not be sharing those on this blog. Maybe I feel it deserves a better platform; maybe a book or atleast another blog for that matter. And I will name it " The Lost Dreamers".....Do look out for it when it comes and I bet you won't regret it. Adios